I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always
thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club.
I found that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step
and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we
loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by
his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to
him, maybe I was just another girl… “Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I
asked. “I can’t” “Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment
grabbing me. “No… I am going to meet a friend… He was always like that. He met
girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The
word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard
him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all. He
didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days…
Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday,
without fail. I don’t know why… Then one day… Me: Um, Jin, I … Jin: What…don’t
drag, just say.. Me: I love you. Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go
home. That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he
disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday,
filled my room, one by one. There were many… Then one day came, my 15th year
old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and
stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner
passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring
to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly
called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house.
Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily. Me: Jin… Jin: Here…take this… Again,
he handed me a little doll. Me: What’s this? Jin: I didn’t give it to you
yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye. Me: Wait,
wait! Do you know what today is? Jin: Today? Huh? I felt so sad, I thought he
would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had
happen. Then I shouted… “Wait…” Jin: You have something to say? Me: Tell me,
tell me you love me… Jin: What?! Me: Tell me I put my pathetic self behind and
clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left. “I don’t want to
say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find
someone else.” That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… and I
collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt
that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me… After that day, I stranded myself
at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting. He just
continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how
those dolls piled up in my room… everyday After a month, I got myself together
and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a
street… with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed
me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in
my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably
picked out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around.
Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus
stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop.
I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end.
Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll. Jin: Jo, I thought you were
pissed, you really came? I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had
happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual… Me: I don’t need
it. Jin: What….why… I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person
like you again! I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike
other days, his eyes very shaking. “I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice.
He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll… Me: You stupid! Why are
you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!! But he ignored me and just went
to pick the doll. Then… Honk~ Honk~ With a loud honk, a big truck was heading
towards him. “Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t hear me, he
squatted down and picked up the doll. “Jin, move!” HONK~!! “Boom!” That sound,
so terrifying. That’s how he went away from me. That’s how he went away without
even opening his eyes to say one word to me. After that day, I had to go
through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him… And after
spending two months like a crazy person… I took out the dolls. Those were the
only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days
I spent with him and started to count the days… when we were in love… “One…two…
three…” That was how… I started to count the dolls… “Four hundred and eighty
four… four hundred and eighty five…” It all ended with 485 dolls. I then
started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then
suddenly… “I love you~, I love you~” I dropped the dolls, shocked
“I….lo..ve…you??” I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach. “I love you~ I
love you~” It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the
side. “I love you~” “I love you~” “I love you~” Those words came out non-stop. I…love
you… Why didn’t I realize that….That his heart was always by my side,
protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much… I took out the
doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach, that was the last doll, the one
that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on
that I was missing so much. “Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving
each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you….
Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that
I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…” The tears came flowing out
of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can’t
be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute… For that… and for that
reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life ..
